True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
You Might Also Like
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable