Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
You Might Also Like
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
😂😂😂
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one