Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
They’re stuck in your pants?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.