i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
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I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
#CatsOnTwitter
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
This meeting could have been a cake