her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
me, too, girl. me, too.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!