[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss