[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
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Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them