@BuckyIsotope

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

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@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@hipstermermaid

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

@Ygrene

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

@wittwitbarista

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

@caliluvgirl77

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

@SondraDeeMe

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

@3sunzzz

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

@SortaBad

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery