Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*


I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.


Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired


Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh


Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess


him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same


[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise


Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.



Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.


“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery