Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry