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Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
the three branches of government
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car: