Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
RT if you could go either way.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*