Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years