The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.