[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
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Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*