Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Rooting for the overdog
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?