a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off