Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite