vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
You Might Also Like
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
🤭😂
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers