Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
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“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
When your man makes a valid point
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.