I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
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COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
i’m still crying at this
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel