*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you