My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
titanic
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.