[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?