Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Just a friendly reminder!
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.