SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
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“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Only short people can save us
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.