every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
You Might Also Like
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
“HELP WITH CAT”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!