Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
San Francisco has too many rules
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted