Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
You Might Also Like
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year