While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
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My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
He a real one for that
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
You had me at “define legal”.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁