My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
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I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault