You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.