I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I’m not wrong
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots