ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I falcon love using swear birds
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Noted.
absolute chaos