The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*