My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Don’t touch that.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.