the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Everything reminds me of my ex