My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.