My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.