Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.