Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*