[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.