I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
For the orator and chef in all of us
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.