(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update