*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*