Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*pokes sex life with a stick
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged