Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
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If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
This is a true ally.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.