#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
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Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up