dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
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Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”