We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
The struggle is real
Oh, I bet you would be
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?