DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
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This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My Sentiments Exactly
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands