One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.