Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
You Might Also Like
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna